You Have Permission

I wish I could dig down into the inner parts of my being and rewire my brain and adjust my internal settings to IDGAF.  I am genuinely jealous of people who put themselves out there without apology and without fear of judgment. What is this magic they have that I do not possess? Why do I feel the need to please people and to be accepted by them? This fear of judgment I want no longer.

Without going into a long story let me rip the band-aid off and say that I am no longer a Christian. I am a proud apostate. I am a non-believer. I am a goat. I am the chaff.

 I have shared this information with several people in my family and with close friends but I haven’t shared it overtly on Facebook or Instagram. I have many Christian friends and followers and since I was a Christian for many years I understand the Christian psyche and how the Christian mind works.  By me stating that I am no longer a Christian, a Christian person might think several things. Here is a shortlist of possible thoughts.

 

1.    Bridgette is going to hell.

2.    Bridgette has blasphemed the Holy Ghost/Spirit.

3.    Bridgette is under spiritual attack.

4.    Bridgette is being deceived by the devil.

5.    I must pray for Bridgette to see the error of her ways.

6.    The devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.

7.    The devil has devoured Bridgette.

8.    Bridgette has been influenced by the “world”.

9.    The bible says in the last day's people will fall away and only the “elect” will be saved.

10.  Narrow is the road that leads to heaven and broad is the way of destruction.

11.  Bridgette was never “saved” in the first place.

I could go on and on. People I know will cry at reading this. I know this is true b/c I have cried too hearing that someone was no longer a Christian. People will be worried. People will shake their heads and wonder what went wrong. What did Bridgette do wrong? How did she let the “enemy” destroy her soul?

All of these thoughts and judgments of others I fear the most. It pisses me off that I fear these judgments and thoughts. I am a grown-ass woman with the right to believe and do what I want. Why should I be bothered that there is a whole system filled with people who may point to me and say ‘Bridgette is now fundamentally flawed and is missing the boat.’  I wish I simply Did Not Give a F***. Even typing in the F-word gives me heart palpitations b/c saying the F word is such a no-no in many circles of Christianity. I am sick of Christianity.

As I was slathering bright pink rose paint down the sides of my newest painting called “You Have Permission” I was thinking of how many people do not care for the extremely bright colors that I use. As an artist, I can’t be everything to everyone and I can’t make art that appeals to everyone. As a member of a predominantly Christian family, I also cannot fulfill my unspoken duty of being a Christian daughter or sister. Even when I was a Christian I still wasn’t the “right” kind of Christian depending on whom you talked to. Christianity is way too complicated and frankly, I’m over it. There is always someone mentally sending you to hell.

Here is the real good news. I do not need anyone’s permission to be who I want to be or to believe what I want to believe. And reader, neither do you. You already Have Permission.